hooray!

Mark went and got a new wireless router for me!!! (not that the other one was broken, but I packed the install cd, so that is why it never worked.... obviously I'm a genius when it comes to thins like this!) Well I had a ton of pics to upload... I'm so excited to have the labtop back! Everything is uploaded now I'll probably just post pics for awhile, and some will probably be from quite sometime ago, since it has been 2 months! I can't even believe that, nor do I want to think about. We thought we would live here for 2 weeks, but currently I believe our housing situation is possibly a more heated discussion than the presidential election. Hopefully soon.... tomorrow? But back to the good news we have pics! AJ and TK enjoying their new favorite activity at Nana & Papa's:

My 30's

I got this idea from a friend that turned 30 a year ago. She made a list of things she wanted to accomplish in her thirties. I thought it was a great idea! I really believe that when you set a goal you are more likely to make the choices that allow you to accomplish it, rather than it just happening. So I set out to make my list of 30 things to do in my thirties, I turned 30 yesterday and don't have the list completed yet, but here is the first half:

1. Find a house (tomorrow?)
2. Pay off all our debt
3. Go back to nursing school (and then pay that off!)
4. and graduate from nursing school
5. Run a marathon
6. Learn to swim
7. Lose the rest of this "baby weight"
8. Take the kids on vacation
9. Fund my retirement again (:
10. Do something completely childish once a week (with my kids).... although now that I think about this, they may not be excited about this in my late thirties!
11. Be more involved in my church... (I think we found a new church, Journey Ministries)
12. Go on a trip with just Mark, this won't happen until the day before I turn 40, given the way I feel about leaving the kids!!
13. Take and keep taking a yoga or pilates class
14. Learn to cook.... beyond kraftfoods.com (:
15. Grow a plant from a seed.... this has been a yearly event and I never seem to make it past the sprout stage.

Mark was curious what I was calling my thirties, so these are the labels I came up with for the following decades of my life:

Thrilling Thirties, Fabulous Forties, Fantastic Fifties, Super Sixties, and Satisfying Seventies..... if I'm still typing at 80 then I need to find something better to do, but I guess I could go with the Enlightening Eighties... you know, because I will be sooo wise(:

moving on

I don't think I'll ever recover from the events of my last post, we are still going over our new rule everyday. But while I am ever more thankful for the time I have with AJ, I'm trying not to become completely obsessed and make him hold my hand constantly. I just need to figure out how to "parent" in a way that conveys my thoughts without the fear I have.



Anyways... like the title says... moving on. This week I started back to work and I feel a little guilty saying this, but it has been great!! I worked 3 days, my normal schedule will be 4 days, with 2 days being from 12-8, so Mark will pick them up those days. I was so nervous about leaving the kids, especially since I haven't worked since TK was born I was worried she would cry all day. The LOVE the sitter.... she has her own daycare, fenced in yard full of wonderful toys and a playroom complete with a kitchen. (AJ loves kitchens!) I told AJ last week that I didn't have to go to work the next day and he said, really mom, because I like going to Michelle's house. The kids have even started eating raw broccoli, so I'm impressed. TK has been fussy when I drop her off, but by time I call when I get to work, she is fine. And AJ says she doesn't cry she jsut plays, so I'm glad this transition has gone well so far.



With the job though, we need a 2nd car again... I can't believe we are going to be getting another car before we get a house, but oh well, one day we'll figure it out. We do have a new realtor, who has been amazing. I just think we must be hard to work with. We did look at one we liked the other day, but a few too many dirt roads and no street lights... it wasn't worth it, to me anyways. I love my neighbors close and street lights and side walks. This area is so spread out it is a bit awkard to me. The next house to look it is on Tuesday, so we'll see!

What the @*%!

Well this is a post I would love to pretend never happened! Today was absolutely the worst day of my life!!! Ok well not the whole day, but this evening ~ shockingly scary!

I'm starting a new job in 2 days, so my stress level is slightly high, but I'm excited to get out and do something and have the kid's go somewhere that I know the people and believe they will be safe and happy. Well the only problem with the new job is the dress is not jeans and sweats, and since everything we own is still in storage I need clothes. It had been a long week and I asked Mark to watch the kids so I could rumage in the storage and try to find something and then run to the store for anything else I would need. Anyways Mark and the kids were here with his brother, wife and their 4 kids ~ all playing happily. I went rummaging and found nothing, but more toys for the kids and some dress clothes for Mark, so I headed to the store. Mark called and asked me to pick up pizza and everything was fine. So I get back here and carry in the pizza and asked his brother where Mark and the kids are and he tells me they are upstairs, but AJ is out in the backyard with the kids. I don't let my kids play outside with an adult, because I feel they are too young, so I was instantly a little annoyed that he was only with kids out there, but everyone is giving me a hard time lately at what a paranoia freak I am, so I'm trying to relax and figured I would get the bags and then check on him. WELL, one of the cousins come around from the backyard and says, "Where's Aidan?" Immediately panic sets in... even more so when she says, "oh, he's in the car" I kept asking where he was and we couldn't find him in the swings or by the pine tree.... at this point anger sets in and I can't figure out where the adults are!! So I run into the house screaming at Mark, grab TK and run back outside. There is a good deal of landscaping here and a huge, deep creek in the backyard, so I probably spent 5 minutes or so screaming for him and running around the yard. By this time I'm in tears and having a panic attack and everyone else is out looking for my baby boy. Well I started going down the street screaming and see a man and boy riding bikes, so I asked them.... in between the crying... if they had seen a little boy in gray pants. Well the boy had!! I couldn't believe it.... he just wasn't sure where they had seen AJ (he was probably 5 or under.) So I'm running after them... still caring TK. I stopped at another neighbors that I saw pulling in a asked them... they hadn't seen him, but offered to hold TK ~ I must have given them the evil eye, 'cause she kinda stepped back after she asked me and I just shook my head. I'm thinking, NO WAY! ARE YOU KIDDING ME ~ I'M ALREADY MISSING ONE CHILD!!! So I start heading back across the street to grab a phone to call the cops, when the man and his boy come back honking their bike horns at me. They had found him all the way down the street with another family. Now all the way down the street is a good long ways, even more so when you are completely out of shape and still having a panic attack. (Mark told me later he has never heard me scream or cry like that.... I said well I never lost a kid before!) By this time Mark had gotten the car and was driving around and drove past me, so I told him to follow the man on the bike ~ I'm not sure why I didn't just jump in the car? Anyways there AJ was in this driveway with this family... they were waiting for the cops to show up, because AJ told them that his parents were at work and he was looking for his cousins. So we sat in the driveway and cried and hugged for a few minutes and then went back to show him where his cousins were. We have a new rule we are going to be repeating everyday.... probably about 100 times a day. "We do not leave Nana and Papa's without mom or dad." I have no idea how to drill this into his head how dangerous that could have been. I have no idea how he got sooo far away.... although the family that found him said he was really power walking! The rest of the night was filled with many breakdowns on his end, but I didn't mind one bit, in fact I was glad to hear him yelling, because at least I could see and hear him.

I'm saying a prayer tonight for all those families whose children are still missing.... I can't even imagine what they go through. For 15 minutes I was in their world and there wasn't anything, not a single thing that mattered, but finding my lost child. I'm crying now as a type this and just thanking God that He is giving me a second chance with AJ. I can't even start to describe the fear I felt.

coming around

Well I am by no means settled, at all, but I think the end is in site. I only cried a couple times this week and feel much more hopeful about the whole situation. Of course the house situation is not going as well as we hoped, we thought we finally found the perfect house, that we actually both loved, but then found out for whatever reason the taxes were more than double that of the neighbors and home insurance, because it was in the city, was crazy.... so it pretty much canceled it.... we'll see if the taxes can be adjusted this week, but I'm not holding my breath. But I am feeling more optimistic and think I can make it through without being medicated ~ that's my goal anyways (:

On a different note, a best friend from high school hooked me up with an interview at her company. I'm totally excited for that! I feel like if I could get attached to something here it would help me settle in. I was nervous about child care, but I found another friend from high school whose wife watches kids in her home, so that would be great if the kids could stay together. Hopefully this week I'll find out if I got the job and how the kids feel about it... after all it is up to them (:

It is so weird to be back.... just odd to run into people who I don't recognize or remember, but they totally remember.

Also, I hope to have pics up this week.... I think I found a way to upload to this computer.... you would think by now I would have just gone and bought a new wireless router ~ I might this week, if my new idea doesn't work and I might just buy a new stroller also, since we won't be unpacking the storage anytime soon and my dear hubby thought it would be a good idea to put one of my favorite possessions in the bottom and middle of the storage unit!

change

I am not good with change.... I knew this would be a HUGE adjustment for me, but hindsight is 20/20 and it was more than I realized. I was fine with everything until the house sold. Now I can't stop crying.... about everything.... I cry about the dumbest things. How did this happen, what happened to the stoic I used to be that would NEVER cry. Mark said he thinks I've cried more in the past couple weeks than my entire life ~ he is probably right. I realize this is probably a depressing post to read, but I'm hoping by venting it out, I'll get over this part of the process and move on to the next part. So here are things that I've cried about (hopefully in a couple more weeks I'll post the things that make me laugh!):
I took the kids for a walk.... there were no sidewalks, so I didn't feel safe with AJ not in the stroller. I missed the beautiful curbs and sidewalks of the past.
The other day was rather warm and sunny and I thought about the tulips and flowers in my old yard and my neighbor gardening.
All the kid's in Mark's family play with toy guns, AJ still calls them screwdrivers, but it makes me sad that he knows what a gun is now.
Someone asked me if I was going to spank AJ... he was in the midst of throwing a fit.
I wrote thank you cards to the people who helped us move and cried the whole time.
AJ found a fuzzy on the floor and said, "Mom, this looks like our carpet and I want to go home."
Anything AJ says about stuff in storage or stuff from our old house is instant tears.
Emails from friends.... sorry for not writing back yet.... I just can't stop crying.
Restaurants around here have smoking... and everyone here smokes! So awful to smell.... I had forgotten when I lived in "perfectville" and smoking wasn't allowed in public places. I'm not a smoker, so I guess that's why it is so noticeable to me.

Enough depressing thoughts.... I hope that once we get our own place things will change a little once I can unpack and have my own bed back and get things settled. Speaking of own place we are in negotiations with another bank for one of their homes, so maybe this week. We both like this house, but even though the home has never been lived in, it needs repairs. The economy here is awful so people actually break into empty homes and steals copper pipes and stuff they can sell. So we have some fixing to do where the garage was broken into and they messed with a couple of pipes in the basement... I had never heard of such a thing!

oh well

We got a call from the realtor today and I'm pretty sure we aren't going to get the house. There was another offer and it was slightly more than ours and we aren't interested in paying more.... so on to the next. The house would have needed to be completely redone and Mark has since confessed that he didn't really like it and was only interested because I liked it. So we don't want to pay more! This is fine since I hated the last house that he put an offer on.... third one is the charm right?!?!

Maybe we'll just rent, based on Mark and I's history of agreeing on things (:

I have more pics of the beginning of spring, but after I dug through the storage unit today and couldn't find the cords I needed, I'm not sure when we'll get them loaded on to a computer. Maybe tomorrow I'll get a new license!